Sunday, May 10, 2015

Blog Post #12

With 20 Time coming to an end, there's a lot for me to look back and reflect on. I started this project wanting to help my knee get better so I could be prepared for the soccer season. I also intended to look up ACL prevention tips and learn more about it. I failed at my goal, but I did everything that I planned on doing and worked at it as hard as I could, which is what really matters.

My beginning trail of thought for this whole experience was that the lesson I learned was about allowing myself to fail. Not being on the best team and being okay with it. Accepting that, even though I worked hard, sometimes I can't bounce back right to where I was in the amount of time that I did. I planned to apply this to other aspects within my life. Since I am a perfectionist, it was the perfect lesson for me to realize that I can't always reach my goal. I might not get that 4.0 and all A's that I want and I might not get into the main college I want to go to, and that's okay.

That concept is one that I have problems grasping. I'm very stubborn and hardheaded so I always feel that I know what I want and there's no other way. If I were to not succeed and get that goal that I worked for, I break down. In this situation, I definitely broke down. It was one of the harder things that I have had to deal with. Coping with trying to improve my knee and get used to playing with it wasn't easy. After years and years of playing travel soccer and waiting to play on South and get that varsity letter was ruined all because of a serious injury that I had never had problems with before. Even though I worked hard to get where I was at tryouts, since I didn't make the team I wanted, I regretted playing at all. I thought that I should have waited another year and kept working until I was truly 100% and would be on the team I wanted and not risk hurting myself before then. But, at the end of it, I thought that it was worth the lesson.

However, now I don't feel that way. I got hurt at a practice and definitely tore something. It's still undetermined and I'm getting an MRI tomorrow, but I know that it's nothing good. Unfortunately, I can't help but regret playing because of this happening again. I guess it would've happened one way or another on a different team, but I feel that no matter what, I would've had more time to really build myself back up without jumping right into it due to tryouts. Now, I'll never be able to play soccer again since it's just not worth it. Obviously, my body and knee just can't heal to the extent that it needs to be able to play again, which can just be the case for some people after injuries. I can't imagine my life without soccer, but I'm going to have to. And, I'll have to try and handle redoing everything I just did with surgery, physical therapy, etc.

So, now I also am learning from this project how to let go. I don't give up easily, which is a good thing sometimes. But, in this case, sometimes it's better to just realize that it's my time to let go of this part of me and find something else. I'm still in the process of learning how to let go since I haven't even gotten the official details of the injury. It just hasn't set in yet and I guess I haven't accepted it. I'm still holding on to that little hope that it's nothing. But, this is too bad to not be something. So, when I find out what happened, I'll have to figure out how I am going to say goodbye to this huge part of my life.

Over this past year, I learned how to fail and how to give up. They both sound negative, but are actually exactly what I need. Being too much of something is never good, and I'm definitely too extreme when it comes to not letting myself stop and fail. But, now I've experienced and learned how to. My goal now is to find another passion. And, if I fail a few times and find that I don't like something, I'll be able to give up and go to something else due to the lesson that I've learned this year.