Tryouts were a couple of weeks ago. It was definitely intense with a lot of competition. Playing isn't as bad as I thought with the brace on, though. I still have some ball skills and feel pretty comfortable. The hardest thing is running. The brace has a lot of weight and really limits how I move, so it takes ten times the amount of effort to run, not even that fast, as it did for me before. I hope that that comes with getting used to the brace because I used to be pretty fast and now I can feel myself going slow while I play. But, back to tryouts. I thought that it would lower my confidence when I saw how restricted I was, but I actually felt fine. It made me feel better since I realized that I was practically the same player as before. It really felt amazing to play again. But, then there was the pressure. I thought that if I went out there and played like before I would make varsity since I was on JV as a freshmen and would just go to the next step. However, that was definitely not the case. I played nonstop in a scrimmage to compete with two open spots for varsity. Talk about nerve-wracking when I didn't even think I was up to tryout at all, but then to go up against people so competitively? Crazy. I did well though. And that's really all that matters, feeling comfortable playing again. I didn't get one of those two spots on varsity. Disappointing, yes. I thought that after JV, unless I really digressed that much, I'd go up to varsity, but I was looked at as if I was in the grade I was in, a sophomore, and supposed to make JV. It's definitely frustrating, but life will go on.
It was really hard for a week. There's a lot of sadness after I've worked my whole life to make varsity before I'm supposed to and I successfully got onto the right track by making JV early, but then had that taken away because of an injury. Maybe it wasn't even the injury, I don't know. But, it's sad after all of the work I put in and after all that I went through to even make it to try outs when my knee could have had more healing time instead of being rushed to play suddenly. It's a good lesson though. Sometimes, no matter how much work you put in, things might not work out because the situation just wasn't right. Numbers, unfairness, an unavoidable injury...whatever it was, got in the way no matter how much work, time, and pain I put in to trying to come out the other side and make varsity regardless of all of it. I'm still sad, but I learned a lesson and now have other goals. I can continue working out and trying to build my knee up, since there's always room for even more improvement. I need to find ways to help myself get used to the brace and get my stamina and pace back to what it was. Hopefully I don't hurt my knee again. That's probably my main goal. Now that would be horrible.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
So, tomorrow is tryouts and I'm extremely nervous. I have been dreading this moment since I tore my ACL. It's even scarier than I expected because I thought that I would be way more ready before tryouts than I am right now, but I guess I'll never be mentally ready. My knee feels strong and definitely ready to play, but my mind is timid and feels as though I've forgotten how to play, when really I haven't. When I play tomorrow, I have to just be confident and pretend like I'm playing before all of this happened. I really hope that I accomplish my whole goal for this project and make varsity, but if I don't it'll be interesting to keep going with this project and update on how I'm improving. If I do make it, then I can update on how things go and maybe jump into a few other aspects of this project. For example, tips on how to keep an ACL strong and maybe even mental tips on how to go back to sports after this kind of trauma. At the beginning of this project, I thought that I would research and post tips on how to physically go back to a sport and rebuild an ACL, but after going through the process of really trying to go back, I've realized that it's all mental. The emotions of an athlete while going back are probably the hardest things to overcome. Questions like "Why did this have to happen to me?" and "How will I ever get better and back to the way I was?" are what stopped me, and I'm guessing stops others as well. I want to try and post advice on how someone can try and get over the sadness that comes with trying to get over the past and how they used to play and try to just focus on how to get better as the player they are now, after this injury. It can help me too, since I'm still not even over trying to face that I may never be the same, or maybe I will, but will have to learn to adjust to a different way of playing. So I plan to do that and also hope to do my best at tryouts and be happy with whatever results, even if I don't reach my goal of varsity.