This week started with me being so excited. I finally scheduled a practice and I was going to get my brace. I thought that I would start actually playing and getting onto the right track so that I'd be prepared for tryouts. The practice started out great. Of course, I was rusty and wasn't my best. But I shrugged it off since it was my first time playing in almost a year and the first time with a messed up knee. I started to get more comfortable which was surprising me. However, all it took was getting too comfortable because then I forgot to be careful and found myself stepping the wrong way, hearing a crack, and feeling pain in my knee.
My first thought was, "This can't be happening. I totally just tore my ACL again. I never want to play again. This is not worth that surgery all over again." But, after settling down and thinking rationally, my coach and parents looked at the knee to see if anything even really happened to it. Every one was saying that it was fine, but I was still worried. It felt better than when I had actually tore it and I could walk, but it was definitely a good enough scare to set me back a lot. I let it rest for a few days since my knee was obviously shocked from the sudden work out. I worked it too hard and pushed myself too much because I was way too anxious to get back out and play full force. But, I need to realize that I can't play the way I used to the second I step back onto the field. I have to ease into it. I felt soreness for a few days and sharp pain every once in a while, but just let it rest.
Now, I still feel the pains but it's a little better. I got my brace and decided that it was time to break it in and get used to the feeling of playing with it. I went to a gym, as in basketball court gym, not workout gym, and played around with a ball. It went well and the brace, even though slightly holding me back, made me feel more secure. However, this workout session discouraged me a lot. It really hurt to move certain ways. Now, when I play, I feel like I can barely move because I can sense that it will hurt my knee. I can't move fast without feeling a sharp pain. I'm being held back mentally, but also, my knee really is bothering me from just playing. My Dad keeps telling me that that's how it's going to be and I just have to get used to it feeling that way, but I'm worried that I'll never get used to it or that maybe something is wrong with my knee again and it isn't supposed to feel that way.
Overall, this week hasn't been a good one. It was supposed to move me a step forward by getting my brace and finally actually playing, but I took a bunch of steps backwards instead. It's hard to face that I might not be ready yet, which could hold me back from not only being on varsity this year, but not even trying out at all. What's even harder to face is that I might not be able to play like myself ever again and it will forever feel that way when I play. I know that it will get better as I practice more, but I don't see how it's possible to ever be able to play the way I used to with it feeling the way that it felt when I played during the past week. I need to work harder than ever now to hopefully start feeling confident and content with my playing again.